Sunday, April 03, 2011

Three Wolves are Better than 1

Amazon.com gives it glowing reviews.
"This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women 
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."
In addition to Amazon inspiring many to wear it, Dwight sported one at Pam and Jim's wedding.


So there I was, searching for a shirt that looked like a Texas Flag, when I turned to The Mountain Shop. And there it was, in all of its glory.


And it wasn't in a tourist shop - oh, no, it was in the real store. The REAL thing. The wolves store where wolf statues howl and wolf vases display and wolf hats reign. It was authentic, 100% Texas, and 100% Testosterone. The three wolves, howling at the moon, screen printed in high quality resolution.

I didn't hesitate. I bought it. And I bragged to my friends. "I'm the best girlfriend ever," I gloated. It was a gift for my boyfriend.

Shortly after my initial elation, my regret set in. As he put it on, I couldn't bear for him to leave the house. It was like a possessive, jealous cougar is clawing at my soul. I knew if he strolled the butcher aisle of the supermarket in this shirt, he'd get sultry looks from the cheese curl aisle. I knew, if he wore this to work, his boss may prematurely promote him simply due to his alluring qualities. I would never be able to trust him again.

The three wolves T-shirt turned me into a monster.

So I remedied the situation. I hid the wolves T-shirt, hoping it will never be unearthed again to unleash its horrendous powers over other women. It is in a dark location, never again to be seen by the likes of men. Oh, cursed shirt. Occasionally my lonesome boyfriend howls at night, and I know he's wishing for his lost shirt. But we're better off without it.

With great attraction comes great responsibility.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahaa that's awesome!